Friends – Great for potlucks, Not so great for goal-setting

Here’s a common scenario.

You just shared a new challenging work project with your bestie and you asked her if she thought it was a great idea. She gave you a straight-faced forced smile…you know the smile – kind of fake, but also supportive because she loves you and wants you to be happy. Then a few days later, she suggested alternatives and offered advice. We’ve all done it. Yep, me too. And I always felt icky afterward. She probably felt the same way and it really didn’t help you because that’s not what you needed. You needed to bounce ideas off of your friend and get some real feedback. What you received were flimsy platitudes and casual, reassuring compliments.

Learning and growing as a wellness coach has allowed me to step back from the intrusive grey area of friendship – and allow my clients the space to grow as individuals and problem-solve. I can explore and powerfully question alongside them. I’m not really a cheerleader anymore because saying “You’re fantastic”, “You absolutely can do this”, or “You can do anything you set your mind to” – is not genuine or authentic. You see, even though I may really feel that way about my clients (and I always do) – it doesn’t do them any service or benefit because it’s a shallow observation. What really helps is listening, deeply listening to your story and journey, and reflecting it back to you so you can hear your own words. There is no judgment involved in this process because it’s a reflection of your own truths and experiences through your own eyes, ears, emotions, and felt senses.

I can listen to the fumbling steps that happened along the rocky path of how you got to this very phone call. It’s scary, but that’s when the juicy bits start to unfold for you. I can be a sounding board for the things you are afraid to say to anyone else – even your best friend. Because let’s face it, best friends are fantastic – but not always honest. Sometimes friends see things through their own eyes or with judgment, based on their individual previous life experiences and outcomes. You need unbiased objectivity. That’s when and how coaching can be a huge game-changer when you need to step into a new path or set new goals for yourself.

Here are a few top reasons to use a coach to support you in goal-setting for a new project if you are wading through a period of stagnation in your life.

1. Unbiased space – Coaches are present and hold space that your friends and family are afraid to offer. Friends and family want to help because they love and support you but this can be a troubling space when you need objective resources. Coaches are not allowed to offer opinions or advice and that can be an empowering arena if you’ve never had the opportunity to explore options on your own terms. Clients are always free to ask for information, of course – and coaches may also ask permission to share information if they feel a client is off track or needs clearer facts from reliable sources such as peer-reviewed medical research. Coaches should also use and be trained in a technique called motivational interviewing. This is the most transparent and effective method for creating change and forward movement in a supportive conversation. Unless your friends and family are trained in counseling, social work, or therapy – they probably won’t have experience in these methods and conversations can get muddy, off-track, self-serving, and confusing for both parties.
2. We never ask “why”?– The usual answer to the question “why did you do that?” is “I don’t know.” This doesn’t help you and may stall your exploration of your motivations and the discovery of a vision for your future. Coaches ask “when, how, what, who, and where”. The root of this lesson is what happened in the past really doesn’t matter – save that for your therapy appointment. Coaches focus on the positive good stuff – moving forward. And if you can’t find anything positive right now – that can also be discovered.
3. Find clarity – It can be challenging to dig into the reasons for choice and direction. We do exploration by thinking about how your life will be different and better in different scenarios.
4. Accountability – When you have a supportive ally who holds you to your own goals and mini-action steps, you are more likely to find forward movement.
5. Time is forced and habits are created – When you sign up for a paid appointment, you are financially invested in setting up a goal and accomplishing it. This is part of the process of coaching and it begins from the first 30 minutes that you commit. Habits are created and reinforced through repetition. We dig in and find the cues, and the rewards to help build habits that make sense for you – on your own terms. Your life is the one you should live and it has to make sense to you. No one else’s habit plan will work. You have to design it for yourself.
6. Vocalization is power – The voice in your head only gets you so far. It can seem like a spinning hamster wheel until you vocalize it through talking with another person (a coach) or writing it down in a journal.
7. You already tried all the “things” and it didn’t work – Well, at least you know what won’t work for you. They say that is half the battle, but there is some truth in this: failure creates success. Small setbacks are good – they reinforce your determination and ability to analyze the systems you design to accomplish goals. If you set a goal that is too intense and too lofty and you fail – it becomes a lesson in realizing that you are just a human trying to get things done. There are truly only 24 hours in our days here on Earth and 8 of them should be for sleeping. Finding forgiveness for yourself is important for moving forward with your goals and making them more realistic. If goals are realistic they will be accomplished and you will have more success and in turn, more motivation.

Monica is a Nationally Board trained (NBHWC) Integrative Health and Wellness Coach. She works with Women to find balance between work, life, family & relationships, create healthy sleep routines, ditch stress, finally conquer journaling and create habits that stick for good.
 

Grab my FREE Journaling for Productivity Course Here: Free Course!